On Monday was my first group for Trans*Partners.
It's a group I created via the Center for the partners of transgendered folk. There were only 3 in attendance -- which isn't bad for a first meeting -- and I thought the discussion was really interesting.
It's kind of interesting the role of the partner in a transition.
It's a bit isolating - at least it can be if you allow it to be.
There's also this sense of everyone else being true to themselves but you and that is something that you really have to wrestle with.
I mean, in my case, if Jess is true to himself he has to transition. But how does that jive with my "true self" the lesbian? Truth is, it doesn't.
Which then causes you to boil your relationship down to bare bones to figure out that it is about that person that you love. One rarely has to examine their love for someone -- absent of conflict -- with such a big magnifying glass as does the partner of a transman/woman.
Questions abound:
"Can I stay?"...and those are just some questions.
"Can I love a man?"
"Can I be attracted to a man?"
"Can I live with/without _____________ (insert: boobs, soft skin, curvy hips, facial hair, change in scent, excess body hair, etc.)?"
"What will be my place lesbian community?"
"Will I have a place in the lesbian community?"
As for me, I'm currently residing in a non-panicked state.
I've settled down and am pretty much just gonna "wait and see" what's coming next.
So far Jess hasn't made any huge changes. He's been going to the gym a lot -- which apparently this need to exert energy is a new thing. So he's getting more muscular.
His voice is hovering at the low end of his register more often than not.
Mostly that's it for physical changes so far. So far, it's no big deal for me -- so I'm still comfortable.
It's nice to have a group of people to talk to who are at various stages of being a trans*partner - to see both where I've been and where I'm heading.
In the meantime... I wait and see.
12 comments! COMMENT HERE.:
Thanks for sharing, Tina and great job starting a group. You need to have support from people who truly understand what you're going through. Many hugs.
I think it's great that you have started a group. I think of you often and I wonder how you are doing. I'm glad you have found others close to talk to that know what your going through.
I'm proud of you for the way that you are handling everything and for starting that group.
I love you.
As much as I try to empathize with you, I realize I cannot come close to knowing what you must be going through. Connecting with others who are traveling the same path must be beneficial.
Still, the love you two have for each other is obvious, and I'm sure it will carry you, no matter where the relationship winds up going.
Many, many hugs being sent.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Tina. There may have been three people in that room, but through sharing like this on your blog, the group is actually so much bigger. And international too!
Big hugs and so much respect from across the pond
Brava to you for starting such a group. I'm sure it's needed. I think of you a lot as I go through the day, trying to put myself in your place if G were to make such a transition. This follows by trying to put myself in Jess' place, trying to imagine what *I* might to if I were on his journey to become his true self.
Truth is, being who you really are can be difficult even at the best of times, but none of us really exists alone. As Tich Nat Han (Buddhist wise man) would say, we "inter-are", because we simply cannot exist without the others in our lives.
So, I guess when you strip away the trappings of gender and sex, and you still have that love that drew you together, well, if THAT hasn't changed, then you both can handle the rest of it.
I have great confidence in you.
GG
I think a discussion/support group will be essential. Good for you for being so proactive.
I have friends at various stages of transition ~ both ftm and mtf ~ and while I understand that they have to do this, the effect on their partner and their relationship is profound. I don't think partners get enough support, compassion, or respect through the process. I admire you for being willing to discuss and share your journey along the way.
Hugs and support from the West Coast... xoxo
First - i LOVED The title of the post. I could so hear you speaking those words! CRACKED ME UP! :-D
I second what GG said above. And i admire what you're going thru and believe that you guys will be ok.
That group sounds great and very needed. As much as your friends are being supportive (and we are!), we just can't know exactly what you're feeling and going thru.
(( Tina)))
What's that saying? If something needs doing you'd better do it yourself - and you did. Fierce femme or what?! The group sounds great. With love QRx
hey tina, jess... for me it's the soul we are in love with in that other person. for me it doesnt matter what body it lives in, its the soul that is the person. you both seem to love eachother and even if physicalities are changed, your souls will still be in love with eachother.. if rearranging your house brings peace and wholeness to your temple, thats all we can strive for, eh?
best of luck. i did like your blog title, cracked me up.
and i in NO WAY meant to minimalize your changes, jess. i just dont see what the fuck all the hang up is on what we need to go through to be complete and comfortable in our skin. after all, it's OURS.
great idea starting the support group. difficult things are always made easier when shared by others who understand.
c
I've been trying to find the right words to write here and I've failed.
I suppose this is putting your love to the ultimate test Tina. I could say it's just about loving the person, and their gender doesn't matter, and as a transman I know all about that, but I do know that love and physical attraction are two different things.
But I agree with C, it is the soul of a person we love, and that doesn't change. :)
I think that starting a group is an amazing way to gain community, find support and to support other people. Congratulations!
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